As I have been "laying low" letting my body recover from the surgery these last few days
(which by the way, is killing me- I would so much rather be up and running around)
I have had a lot of time to just "think."
Too much time:)
I have no idea why this came to my mind, but I keep having flash backs of being in AP Psychology in my senior year of high school talking about the "grieving process" through a loss, or any situation.
I still remember my dad and I's mnemonic we made up to help me remember the 5 steps for my test.
Who knew good old Psych would stay with me through the years.
I know I am the farthest thing from alone in this.
Everyone has their own individual experiences of loss and trial.
And it just breaks my heart.
With my individual experience, I hurt for every other women out there this week who have had to experience trial with having children, or losing a child.
I really think the hardest part of loss is the emotional part.
Your body will recover physically and life will go on, but it is the emotional pain that seems to linger.
With these 5 steps, I have learned that each stage comes with time.
However it's important that you let your body "emotionally" move on to each stage.
It will do no good to get stuck in a phase for too long.:)
#1. Denial and Isolation.
Completely true. (people who make up this stuff actually know what they are talking about :)
That first initial feeling after the doctor was struggling to find the heartbeat was denial.
I kept thinking to myself
"It will be there when we go in for the ultrasound. Her little tool is just not working, everything's fine"
Even though maybe deep down I knew something was wrong.
Isolation: Knowing my sweet baby was gone, but wanting to crawl into a ball.
Hating the fact that the world knew we were expecting.
Just wanting everything to go away.
I have to say, that through this whole situation I have only felt anger ONCE.
And it lasted about 20 seconds.
I called to schedule my "D&C" surgery.
The nurse on the other line (who didn't know who I was) responded with
"we don't do exterminations in this office"
I was so confused and I was silent for a minute. Wait What?
Finally it hit me. She thought I was calling to have an abortion.
How could she think that!?
That hurt. That hurt so bad. I wanted every piece of this baby and I had just lost it.
I was so angry, angry at her for not being sensitive to the situation.
I started to cry, and I told her I had just lost my baby, then she felt terrible and that 20 seconds of anger faded, and sadness filled my heart.
Feeling no control over the situation.
Depression isn't quite the word I would use.
Just more "sadness" or "hurt"
The pain is there.
I wish so bad it wasn't but it's there. And it hurts.
I felt myself hurting for not just me but anyone who ever has to experience the pain of losing a child or a loved one.
It hurts to be happy when you feel so sad.
But remember it's OK to feel sad.
It's ok to cry. It's ok to feel hurt.
However, I found myself just wanting to curl up and stay in stage 4 for a few weeks.
Then I looked at my sweet baby. And my sweet husband who has been my absolute rock.
I looked into his eyes, and my heart smiled.
He needs me.
My husband needs me.
My husband needs me.
They need me to smile every day.
They need me to be there for them 100%.
All of the sudden I felt myself trying to pull away from that "stage 4".
Not because I have moved on, and not because it doesn't hurt anymore, but because I tried to look at situation in a new light.
I would not use the word acceptance.
"Acceptance" to me sounds like you just accept the fact and move on.
It's a little harsh.
Especially when every situation is so sensitive in their own way.
I look at it more of an "understanding".
An understanding that it's going to be ok
An understanding that everything happens for it's reason.
That this, THIS, is part of a bigger plan.
An understanding that sometimes you have to feel the hurt and the pain,
to reap the full happiness life has to offer.
The key is finding something to smile about.