Something to smile about.
As I have been "laying low" letting my body recover from the surgery these last few days
(which by the way, is killing me- I would so much rather be up and running around)
I have had a lot of time to just "think."
Too much time:)
I have no idea why this came to my mind, but I keep having flash backs of being in AP Psychology in my senior year of high school talking about the "grieving process" through a loss, or any situation.
I still remember my dad and I's mnemonic we made up to help me remember the 5 steps for my test.
Who knew good old Psych would stay with me through the years.
I know I am the farthest thing from alone in this.
Everyone has their own individual experiences of loss and trial.
And it just breaks my heart.
With my individual experience, I hurt for every other women out there this week who have had to experience trial with having children, or losing a child.
I really think the hardest part of loss is the emotional part.
Your body will recover physically and life will go on, but it is the emotional pain that seems to linger.
With these 5 steps, I have learned that each stage comes with time.
However it's important that you let your body "emotionally" move on to each stage.
It will do no good to get stuck in a phase for too long.:)
#1. Denial and Isolation.
Completely true. (people who make up this stuff actually know what they are talking about :)
That first initial feeling after the doctor was struggling to find the heartbeat was denial.
I kept thinking to myself
"It will be there when we go in for the ultrasound. Her little tool is just not working, everything's fine"
Even though maybe deep down I knew something was wrong.
Isolation: Knowing my sweet baby was gone, but wanting to crawl into a ball.
Hating the fact that the world knew we were expecting.
Just wanting everything to go away.
#2. Anger.
I have to say, that through this whole situation I have only felt anger ONCE.
And it lasted about 20 seconds.
I called to schedule my "D&C" surgery.
The nurse on the other line (who didn't know who I was) responded with
"we don't do exterminations in this office"
I was so confused and I was silent for a minute. Wait What?
Finally it hit me. She thought I was calling to have an abortion.
How could she think that!?
That hurt. That hurt so bad. I wanted every piece of this baby and I had just lost it.
I was so angry, angry at her for not being sensitive to the situation.
I started to cry, and I told her I had just lost my baby, then she felt terrible and that 20 seconds of anger faded, and sadness filled my heart.
#3. Bargaining
Feeling helpless.
Feeling no control over the situation.
#4. Depression
Depression isn't quite the word I would use.
Just more "sadness" or "hurt"
The pain is there.
I wish so bad it wasn't but it's there. And it hurts.
I felt myself hurting for not just me but anyone who ever has to experience the pain of losing a child or a loved one.
It hurts to be happy when you feel so sad.
But remember it's OK to feel sad.
It's ok to cry. It's ok to feel hurt.
However, I found myself just wanting to curl up and stay in stage 4 for a few weeks.
Then I looked at my sweet baby. And my sweet husband who has been my absolute rock.
I looked into his eyes, and my heart smiled.
He needs me.
My husband needs me.
My husband needs me.
They need me to smile every day.
They need me to be there for them 100%.
All of the sudden I felt myself trying to pull away from that "stage 4".
Not because I have moved on, and not because it doesn't hurt anymore, but because I tried to look at situation in a new light.
#5. Acceptance
I would not use the word acceptance.
"Acceptance" to me sounds like you just accept the fact and move on.
It's a little harsh.
Especially when every situation is so sensitive in their own way.
I look at it more of an "understanding".
An understanding that it's going to be ok
An understanding that everything happens for it's reason.
That this, THIS, is part of a bigger plan.
An understanding that sometimes you have to feel the hurt and the pain,
to reap the full happiness life has to offer.
The key is finding something to smile about.
Every. day.
Hello!! We are the Powell family - Aaron, Karina, Ryan, and Luke; but let's be honest, you will mostly just hear from me. We are lovers of all things fitness, traveling, and thin crust pizza. You can read more about us here.
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Oh Karina my heart just aches so much for you. You are such a strong and gracious woman, even in the face of such hard times. Your two boys are so incredibly lucky to have you. Whilst it must be hard for the world to have known you were pregnant, maybe the reason for that is so that you feel support and love from all over the world too. Maybe if we all send some of our strength and courage to you from all four corners of the globe you will continue to puddle your way through stage 5 with a huge support base surrounding your little family. Sending my love and prayers from London xx
ReplyDeleteYour positivity and strength is absolutely inspiring. I don't think I could ever say it enough. Thank you for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteHi Karina, I've been a reader of your blog for a little while and wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly the heartache you are feeling and just know it will get easier, but will never leave you. At least for me it hasn't. I miscarried 1/2011 with our first child after trying for 3 years. I was devastated. I was 6 weeks 4 days and we announced to our family during Christmas. Two years later we welcomed a beautiful baby girl 6/2013 and she has been an absolute joy. I look at her and know God knew exactly when He wanted us to be the lucky one's to her parents. So glad He chose us! Your beautiful little boy will become a big brother again :) Sending prayers your way!
ReplyDeleteLove you friend!
ReplyDeleteThis is so helpful! Thank you for sharing! Hope you start feeling better soon!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for being so open and honest. I know it must be hard sometimes to have this trial so public, but I personally believe that you are helping countless people with your faithful words. You have a beautiful family. I pray that during this difficult time you will continue to feel hope and the love of everyone around you, especially your family and the Savior.
ReplyDeletelove it!! your ryan is seriously the cutest!
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you and everyone who has been through this. I've also been there. The thought that gives me the most peace is knowing that I have a special angel that is just there for my family. He (we knew the sex) is just there always watching over me, my husband, and my son. I hope knowing that you have a special angel just for you and your family will also give you some peace.
ReplyDeleteKarina, you're amazing. I would have had the same reaction to the woman scheduling your appointment But the fact that you're already able to work through all of these emotions just shows your strength. You have an amazing husband and son that will be there for you too. Thinking of you. xo.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my prayers! My heart is aching for you, but you are such an amazing woman. God has such a special plan for you and this beautiful post that you've written here is touching so many. Prayers and hugs coming your way!! xx, Jenn
ReplyDeleteI love your interpretation of the five steps. So sweet and sensitive. Thanks for sharing. Hope those happy days come often.
ReplyDeleteyou are seriously SO inspiring!
ReplyDeletemy thoughts are still with you <3
Karina, thanks for sharing your thoughts and your heart at this time. You are such a wonderful person and a great example. We wish all the best to your sweet family.
ReplyDeleteLove and prayers are sent to from our way :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post. Shared this with someone who I thought needed it. You are such a strong lady! Wish I could give you a big hug!!
ReplyDelete