Love your "NOW"

So I have to be honest,
I wrote this awhile back and couldn't bring myself to post it
because I felt like it was something I was still working on myself.

Everything I write about, I truly believe in.
I like to actually feel that it's worked for me before telling the world my opinion.

That being said, 1 year ago, December of 2013, we found out we were pregnant with our second child.
We were so excited.

In February of 2014, I lost the pregnancy.
It was really really really hard on me.
I was 13 weeks along and rejoicing to be over that first trimester of sickness
only to find out the baby didn't make it.

I am usually a happy, easy going, people pleasing person
and this little experience I had threw me for a loop.

Complications followed my miscarriage D&C surgery and 5 days later I ended up in the ER for excessive bleeding,
causing the recovery process to be longer than normal and a little more painful.

My mom was able to fly down immediately and she took care of Ryan while I couldn't lift him and take care of him myself.

My "sac" ( and tissue ) that was removed during my D&C surgery was sent in to LABS to be tested.
 A few weeks later, I got a call from my doctor saying they wanted to see me immediately because they had found a "mole" or abnormal growth in my "sac".

I soon found myself in another hospital gown while they x-rayed certain parts of my body to see if this "abnormal growth" had spread or worst case scenario, if it was cancerous.

My poor husband.
The slightest smallest chance that "your wife has cancer" ate him up inside.

He was in his last semester of Law School,
and trying to balance school,
while being there for me while I was in a very sad state of mind made it really hard on him.

After waiting for results,
we got the news that it was not cancerous and had not spread.

It was a complete blessing and a small miracle and we were so grateful.

However, because of this "mole" I was to come in for 6 months each week for blood work so they could monitor my levels.
It took 4 months after my miscarriage of my blood levels indicating I was still pregnant (( even though I clearly wasn't )) to  FINALLY go back down to normal and then I only had to go in once a month.

Each week as I went in to get tubes of blood drawn at my OBGYN office....
I held back tears.

I watched as ladies held their little baby belly's in the waiting room and I couldn't help but wish that was me.
Instead, I was having to be pricked with needles and stuck in a "waiting period" for my body to get over the traumatic experience.

6 months finally past and I was cleared.
My blood levels were back down to normal and everything looked ok.
It was a long awaited 6 months and I was so happy and relieved that my body was completely "healthy" again in that aspect of life.

Fast forward 1 month -
Pregnancy Test - Another Positive.
We were SO HAPPY.
We told Ryan he was going to be a big brother and ran around the house saying "BABY" every day.

8 weeks later I woke up in the middle of the night with terrible very painful cramping.
I woke Aaron up at 2 AM in tears and told him the baby wasn't going to make it.
I knew right then and there I was going to miscarry.

Sure body miscarried naturally 3 days later.

Oh my goodness....
It crushed Aaron and I.
It hurt so bad.
I was so upset inside.
And I felt so helpless.

I found myself back in the Doctor's office with yet again another blood test, playing the same mind game with myself all over again.

It has been 2 months since this most recent experience.

I share my story not because I think my trials are worse than someone's else's trials,
( because I know for a fact they aren't even close)
and not because I am looking for sympathy because I promise we are doing okay over here :)
but I share it because during these experiences I found myself longing and wishing for what I had didn't have.

My thoughts were consumed with the phrase "what if" and "how come",
 blinding me from what was right in front of my eyes.

My wonderful husband and beautiful baby boy.

I began to realize through this roller coaster of emotions that I was missing the happiness right in front of me.

I have SO much to be grateful for.

We all have our own battles to fight and lessons to learn.
I'm a true believer that every trial and life lesson comes with a reason.
There is a bigger purpose behind it all and one day it will all make sense.

Just have a little extra faith.

Life has it's ups and downs and will throw curve balls your way.
Don't let them get the best of you.

During this last year I have learned to love my "now".
Even if it isn't the "NOW" I had planned in my head.
I have stopped wishing and longing for what I DON'T have but tried to fully enjoy what I DO have.

For now,
This is my NOW.

And I am one lucky girl.

Wherever you are this holiday season,
whatever your circumstance,
look for the good.
Eliminate the complicated parts and the sad parts,
and love your NOW.
Time passes way too quickly to wish it away.

Karina Marie Powell


  1. Thank you for sharing something so personal. I have never experienced loss, but this is still applicable to me because I often need to slow down and enjoy the Now.

  2. Awww Karina... I'm so sorry about the year you've had. But we know and trust that God always has a bigger plan. The good news is that you're going to get to meet both of those babies in heaven! And that my friend is something wonderful to look forward to!

  3. I'm so sorry to hear that! Thank you for sharing this optimistic sentiment! I hope things get better!

  4. This was beautiful, I am sure so many girls can relate to your experience. I hope things get better, but your attitude is inspiring, keep it up :)

  5. Well I am now in tears! You are an amazing person and so wonderful for sharing your experience and touching the lives of others. I need to be reminded of this quite often and look up to the way you view life and how positive you are. We need more people like you in this world! Thanks for making my day better and reminding me to be SO thankful for what I DO have.

  6. You are so brave and such an inspiration. I only hope that one day, should I need them, I remember these words of yours. It is too easy to fall into the "what if" trap. Sending you so much love, you have a perfect Now, I hope you continue enjoying every second of it. Lu

  7. So sorry to hear all that :( Sending prayers your way!

  8. So sorry you had to go through that again! And thank you for sharing such positive words!

  9. You're such a light! Never forget that!
    I'm truly sorry. :( but everything always works out. Much love friend xo

  10. Thanks for sharing! I definitely needed to hear that right now!!

  11. This post is everything to me. My husband and I are also having difficulty conceiving. I'll admit I've read through your entire blog a few months back, especially your pregnancy posts with Ryan, and found myself wishing for what will come when god's timing allows, and not enjoying the blessings I have now. Thank you for this. You'll be in my prayers for baby dust! :)

  12. Sorry to hear about your loses this year, I imagine it is devastating. Looking forward to reading a post about baby #2 on it's way. It'll happen when the time is right for you and your family.:)

  13. Thank you so much for sharing. I definitely needed that today and am currently crying because you're so right. Love your blog.

  14. This was an amazing post; beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your story (as I'm sure that wasn't easy) to give us all a great little reminder today.
    By the way, your "now" looks just perfect. ;)
    Merry Christmas to you and yours (it looks like you've been having lots of holiday fun already!)

  15. Karina, thankyou for posting this. I found out I was pregnant on Thanksgiving, and we were super excited. Although, I just had a miscarriage on Monday. So this has been a super hard emotional week. I went back and read your couple of posts on miscarriage because I remembered you went through the same thing. It's good to know I am definitely not alone. This is so hard to go through.

  16. I know that we do not know each other, but I really love following your blog. I love that you are living where I am from and miss it dearly while we are at school, I love your outlook on life, and how must you love your family. You are such an inspiration and I am so glad you posted this, because I know that I really need it. Thank you, kindly!

  17. Karina, you are such a beautiful person! People are drawn to you because of your happy demeanor despite life's challenges. Thank you for your example! I'm sorry for your losses! Bless your little family!!

  18. This brought tears to my eyes. You are wise beyond your years! I love your outlook on life and positive spirit. I wish you only love and joy in the new year. Best wishes to you and your beautiful family.

  19. Oh sweet momma, I can't even imagine everything you experienced (along with the stress of the last semester and studying for the bar) your family is truly amazing! I'm so happy this brought you closer together! I know things will work out in God's perfect timing, but that doesn't make it any easier to be patient or question why things are happening the way they are... but I always come full circle with the answer that: It will work out!
    You are so amazing Karina! Praying for your sweet family!

  20. So as I was reading this, at first, it made me really sad. I know so many friends and family who struggle with miscarriages, and it always made me sad or kind of upset that they had such problems when they were so deserving. I didn't get it. If being a mother is such a huge part and blessing in Heavenly Father's plan, why do some women have such issues, and some not even be able to have babies in the first place? It made no sense to me. It wasn't fair, at all. And you, in my eyes I wish you could have a kazillioin kids because you are seriously one of the best mommy's i know. Ryan is serioiusly the luckiest. But then, as I continued to read your post something came into my mind and heart that never has before. So had you gone full term with your first pregnancy after Ryan you wouldn't have gotten pregnant the second time. You have three children, Karina. Three sweet and very special spirits. It's just two you will have to wait to hold in your arms. Heavenly Father prepared these little spirits for you and Aaron. They were meant to be yours, but in order to have them all a couple had to go home a little sooner. There is this song that I love, and I really think you will too, but make sure you have some kleenex near by. :)

    What's Mine is Yours- by Katherine Nelson

    I love ya girl, and again I really think you're something amazing, and an extraordinary mommy to three very lucky babies. :)

  21. You are so right about living in the now. Thank you for sharing this post! I am very sorry to hear about your pregnancy losses. That would be so hard.

  22. Hugs, love and prayers to you and your family. I'm so sorry to hear of the difficulties you have faced this year, praying that 2015 blesses your family with more joy and laughter. xx

  23. You are amazing! You have been through a lot, and are still trying to stay positive. It's hard when life doesn't go the way that you want, but you do have a beautiful little family. :)

  24. I too dealt with so many of the feelings you expressed. I decided 6 years ago to have my tubes tied after our third baby. Fast forward 6 years, we felt God calling us to have more children. I went through with tubal reversal surgery and waited month after month for a year trying to figure out why I wasn't getting pregnant. Just recently went in for a scan and found that both of my tubes are blocked with scar tissue. Through this past year I have dealt with guilt, jealousy and so many more emotions. Every pregnant woman I would see would cause so much longing and jealousy. I too realized just recently that I was so focused on what I didn't have that I forgot to appreciate and love everything that I do have. It is so hard getting to this place where you are content with where God wants you. His plan is so much greater than we could every imagine for ourselves!

  25. I am so sorry for your losses! With how long my husband and I have been trying for a baby I just cannot imagine the excitement only to find out the baby didn't make it. You are a strong and amazing woman, thank you for sharing your story!

  26. Oh, wow! What a beautifully worded and personal post. I'm going through a similar circumstance this year. And though I trust God and His timing, it's still hard and it still hurts to wait, not knowing if I'll ever even have another child. I don't know what God wants from me, what he wants me to learn. So while I figure that out, I've been trying to concentrate on the positives: my two healthy boys, my husband, our beautiful home, great friends, etc. Living for the happiness in the moment is the only way to go. Thanks for sharing your story!

  27. My darling friend, I have shed tears for you again - sad tears for the what ifs but tears of joy for what you have now... You are a true inspiration to us all, and Jesus has such a special Plan for you and your family x

  28. I am so sorry for your loss, but I am so grateful that you can share your experience. My husband and I lost one baby last October and quickly started trying again only to lose another one in February. It is hard to finally just be okay with how life is. But definitely once you can get to that point it makes life so much easier! Sending prayers and love your way girl!

  29. I had no idea. Bless your heart.It sounds like you are doing a lot better. I'm so happy for you and you are right...I believe the same thing...everything happens for a reason. It's not in our timing but all in God's timing. Thanks for sharing.

  30. I love this!! Thank you for sharing. You have been through so much. You are amazing and I love your positivity you have taken on through your experience and sharing it with the world. Love you cute girl! <3 Bridgette

  31. karina, this is SO beautiful! so inspiring. I'm sorry you had to go through such a hard time, but remember there is always a bigger purpose (which is so hard to realize at the time!). xoxo

  32. You are aamazing, and an example to us all xx